I Almost Gave UpDecember 20, 2015
Dear Elena, pt. 2January 24, 2016
Initially, I was scared to post this because I didn't want it to seem like a rant. Moreover, I didn't want to be "judged" for the way I feel. However, God led me to do it and I believe it's because there are some who share similar feelings. He wants you to know you're not alone and that He's always RIGHT there. This is a combination of "Dear God" journal entries I've written over the last 3 years combined to essentially share my heart. Some are old and some are new but He's been faithful through it all. This will be raw and honest but it's genuine. I'll share His responses to these, whether subtly or directly, over the years in the next post.
I know we always go through this but living during this time has me thinking about some things. Like, why did You make me black? Didn't You know I'd be treated unfairly? Don't You see my brothers being gunned down? I mean, I know it doesn't help they're constantly killing each other but it still doesn't make it right. How are we as black women becoming the most educated of any race or gender yet our brothers are struggling? We can't rebuild our communities like this! Well, I may not have to worry about it if I stay single, right? This whole being plus sized thing is a trip you know. I've been this way my ENTIRE life yet when you're no longer a teenager and that "clock starts ticking," things look differently. You know a slim waist with a thick bottom is all the guys want. Your guys? Probably not but where are they hiding anyway? There are so many women around me with ALL the qualities they search for except for "the look," even though beauty fades and is one of the few things that can be changed. I mean a 2 is "too small" and a 16 is "too big." So, Your daughters are struggling with eating disorders and self esteem issues. My mom and my sister somehow got designed "perfectly" but it skipped me, which brings me to my next issue.
Did You REALLY need to make me a woman? As if being black isn't hard enough, you throw being a female in the mix. You know we're seen as inferior and incapable of balancing all of the purpose You've designed for us. We're either too loud or too meek. We have a bad attitude or we're weak. Oh, and my favorite is that we're self absorbed feminists, which is why they say we "can't get a man." Yet, when we get a man and if they degrade, abuse, and mistreat us, we're stupid if we stay. Let me be clear. I know it's not right that we're trying to control them because that's not how You designed it to be. But when we've been been raped, beaten, broken, and lied to, with no father to show us the true queens we are, we have to do something to feel in control. Now, this whole single conversation used to be easy you know. We could use "being young" as an excuse but once you turn 25, it's like your life changes overnight, at least to everyone else. "Dating" is worthless anyway if it doesn't lead to anything fruitful. You said everything that is permitted is not profitable but I'm not sure we understand that completely. As much as I know the desire You've given me and the love I have to give, I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone with You than with someone I was never meant to be with. I won't give in to the pressure. (Although, You can cancel that at ANY time lol.)
Now, I'm going to get to what You probably hear often. Where were You? Where were You during the terrorist attacks? Where were You during the murders and senseless shootings? I mean the only image I have of a gun is next to my mother's head and yet people use them as an everyday form of "survival." Where were You when those boys attacked me? Or when I was watching my mom get beat over and over again? Shoot, where were You when I was being beat? Where were You when I was 11 and had that first drink? You knew alcoholism runs in my family and that I was drinking to numb the pain. What about when I was sick? For 2 years, the doctors said nothing was wrong and doped me up over and over again. How could You not stop the pain so I wouldn't become an addict? I have friends with present and active fathers but You didn't bother to give them to me and my siblings. What's up with that? You knew it would cause us to look for love in all the wrong places. Speaking of that, where were You when I lied down in that bed? Why didn't You stop me?? You weren't even there as I lie on the bathroom floor for hours bleeding out. I had dreams for years and it almost took me out of here! Since we're talking about being taken out, how about those suicide attempts huh? Or the car accidents? Seriously, where were You? You knew it would cause me to be depressed and want to give up. God, please forgive me if I sound demanding, blasphemous, or ungrateful but You said You're near to the brokenhearted. Your sons and daughters are broken. I'm broken. We're tired of living this way. We know You said that we as Your servants are no greater than our master. So, if You suffered, so shall we. If You sacrificed, so shall we. There's a price to pay to follow You, but we just want to make sure You're still with us. It's scary and it gets overwhelming sometimes. Please hear us. Please help us. We surrender all to You.
your daughter, Elena
To be continued......